It has been a while since I typed up a blog, even write one, actually. I have forgotten how to put my thoughts into interesting article, to be able to catch people’s fickle mind and make them think, “Wow, this kid can write.”
And then I realised, that’s because I stopped hoping, stopped honing my so-called “writing” skills and did not bother to nurture this gift I used to hold, that when I was bored before, I tend to pour myself into daydreams and make up a story that will lighten up my day, make it more interesting, at least. Now I just sulk and give up, click on some shopping sites and totally waste what little free time I have. Not wise.
I think I have a penchant of losing my thoughts in the middle of a paragraph, of turning what was once sparkly and has a grain of potential into nothingness, into a dull, old nothingness. Like I have let it all go, never to be within my reach again.
I hope it’s not too late yet. That I still have hope, just like any other average person has. I want to be involved in literature again, to be able to capture someone’s interest and make them believe that I can actually be something that I want to be, that I can conjure a worthwhile plot and make it into, well, a piece to read.
Other people has made it to Kindle Books, I want that, too.
This post is a reflection of my introversion, narcissism and probably being a late bloomer.
So, i bought this cute dress and a lovely skirt today. I tell myself that it’s for my Philippines trip, but now that I have broke into these clothes and fell in love with them, I’m freaking sure I’m gonna wear them a lot this summer!
Like I said, this is gonna be a “reflection” post so here goes sentiments …
Today I realised how much I have missed on my teen years. Seriously, I am already twenty, turning one year older in few more months and I have only liked the idea of being a girl. Yes, my sense of fashion has been lacking since high school, but I think I’ve clothed myself decently and always on the safe side: jeans and shirts. I think I’m ready to move on from that.
I have to get over the fact that I am now twenty, and if I don’t try and embrace my girlishness then I will regret it all my life. I have to put on a brave face, be confident and enjoy being a girl, because I will be a “woman” in no time and, you know what they say, you can never bring back time. I will never be able to enjoy these clothes when I’m thirty and with kids, nor when I’m in a very professional job (maybe) so I should start now. I still have few more years to feel LIKE I’m a teen, so might as well enjoy it.
Aaaah. There, I like being a girl. I said it. Now I just have to prove it.
1. To enjoy the sun. This should not be difficult to do, eh? My country is definitely near the equator and I’m pretty sure we won’t have shortage of this, except of course if I happen to go at that time when the storms decide to visit my beloved country. I do hope in hell they won’t visit in Mar/Apr!
2. See old friends, hide from some. HAHA. Yeah, I know this is a bit mean, but to be honest I will not be able to meet them all, as much as I want to. There are also those people that I DO NOT WANT TO MEET AT ALL. If I’m lucky enough I will be able to avoid them … if not, TOUGH.
3. Get drunk. Erm, maybe not too much. But I do want to have a little drink, a little enjoyment with RBR while we are in Puerto Galera. You know, like what you see in those real life holiday documentaries … People getting drunk … except that the comparison stops there. I want to drink, not to get drunk and be sick all over the place or do worse stuff. So yeah! I want to be like the “sensible Natasha” in one of them episodes of Sun, S*x and Suspicious Parents!
4. Eat and eat and eat. Last time I went home, I was travelling a lot that I fudging forgot to actually have a lot of food! Like seriously, I haven’t gone to enjoy our delicacies in Batangas, Pampanga or even Cavite! I’ve always been on the go, eating junk (maybe). So this time, I would want to explore more exotic food, and yes get some curves in me. HAHA. I’m too skinny for my liking :( Or maybe after we went to the beach? HAHA.
5. Relax. This one is probably the most difficult thing to do. This journey is only for three weeks, and therefore my mom and I have to compress all the things we want to do in very little time, so we need to be going all the time and we might forget to relax. Oh well.
All in all, I just hope I will be safe, and that we will be able to do all the “important” things on our list. I can’t wait to go home! See you Philippines! Few more weeks!
Yes, we do need to get past some things in life to be able to move on, and they say that if we forgive and forget, there will be a good chance that we will not have to worry about it in the future, walang excess baggage, ika nga.
But think about it, is it applicable to ALL of the wrongdoings we have experienced from other people? What if we’ve been hurt so bad? We cannot just brush it off, or be brave about it. No, some people’s actions need to be remembered for our own safety. This way, we will be able to realise and know what kind of person they really are, and protect ourselves from being hurt again.
In my opinion, there is nothing wrong about this. What is wrong is trying to forgive someone for the sake of forgiving, leaving oneself with no time to heal at all, and being susceptible to other’s actions. It’s not fair to rush forgiveness, not to gain closure from the previous hiatus, and especially not fair to be in the company of someone who will bring pain again and again, and again.
Other people may have been flooding FB for statuses saying that they have survived “Doom’s Day,” but for me, yesterday felt like I was going to die, for real!
I just finished a night shift, my third one. So I went to sleep before Timothy went to work. It was all good until I was awaken with a sharp pain, my subconscious was trying to hide it from me because even when I was asleep, there was this feeling, like my alimentary canal was being squeezed painfully.
The pain was so overwhelming that when I woke up, it was magnified and I was screaming my heart out. I did not know what to do, I felt very nauseous at the same time it feels as if my bladder was gonna burst, then I felt a sharp pain in my shoulders as well. There were a lot of stimuli and I wasn’t sure which one to address first. I tried my best to get up, grabbed our bin and just threw up. It was the worst feeling ever: gagging out the acid and bile that has built up in my stomach with excruciating pain.
My breathing was rapid, my heartbeat heightened, I was panicking! Suddenly I was thinking, “is this the end of the world for me?” I didn’t want to go that way!
By that time, Timothy has gone to work already, but I know I have to call him. He was the closest family I have, I mean literally. My mom is about a town away from me. Then my phone bleeped, and I realised I can try and call him. I thought it was already late afternoon, but when I looked at my phone it was only 10am, so there can still be time to get him before he went in to work.
I was lucky.
He just texted me that he was in work, and I dialled his number straight away. It was agony to wait for him to pick up, and when he did, I was just in pain that I was crying and begging him to go back home.
He told me he will and I hung up. I next called my mom, who panicked straight away, at the same time telling me to call the ambulance. It never occurred to me, to be honest. I have been feeling this kind of pain before, but there was always someone there for me to give me my medicine and make a hot solution for me - my grandmother. But obviously other people should make do because my grandmother is approximately 11k km away from me.
I next called 999. It was very strange dialing the number. I’ve never done that before and I did not know what to say, but obviously my pain was apparent and they arranged an ambulance for me ASAP. The operator was with me until I heard a buzz from the front door, which was a floor down.
How the heck will they get in the house?
So yeah, I did not have a choice but to run downstairs, my upper body hunched down, trying not to extend my back, trying to suppress that sharp pain. If I were pain-free, I would feel embarrassed to show the paramedics how messy our place was, but that time I did not care. I have used up all my energy and I did not even manage to find a chair to sit on, I just laid down on the floor, whimpering in pain while they ask me questions as to what has happened. I explained with difficulty, fast respiration and again, increased heart rate. One of the paramedics examined my stomach and boy was it painful! It felt as if I was being punched repeatedly. My shoulder was still hot in pain.
They moved me on to a chair, that time I was losing feeling from my hands and toes. I looked down my tootsies and found them blue. I panicked even more. The paramedic advised me to slow my breathing, not to panic and close my eyes if that helps. It was difficult trying to slow down my breathing as it was more painful. Then my hands started to be painful, there was this tingling sensation on my peripherals and I know I have to slow down breathing as I don’t have enough oxygen in my body.
They gave me paracetamol to ease the pain, checked my blood sugars, my oxygen saturation, which was a little low at first, but started to pick up gradually. They also did an ECG scan. I put the tabs on my upper chest - I offered to do this myself because this is part of my job in the hospital, anyway - and they helped me put the others on my shins.
They also gave me some omeprazole, as they think it was acid reflux at first. They called my GP and referred me to there when I started to settle down.
And my GP, being the GP, is sh*t as usual. They made me wait for an hour before I was seen! Good thing my mom and Tim were there with me to wait.
So the verdict?
The GP reckons it’s more of an epigastric spasm rather than the Noro-virus! Which is good, at least I’m not infectious. He also requested for an ultrasound with the hospital, which hopefully I will be doing sometime soon.
So yeah, 12/21/12 actually felt like the “END OF THE WORLD” for me. I didn’t do much, either. After the GP session was out of it and slept until 5.30 in the afternoon, got up for an hour and slept again until 12/22/12, 7.30am.
What a day to remember, eh?
Maybe I need to open myself more to strangers, so that this stress I am feeling right now will go. I have this thinking before that people are going to comment negatively on my thoughts, but then again, whatever you do, if people really want to mess you up, they will find a way to do it. Might as well enjoy and express yourself.
Anyway, I am feeling really shitty at the moment. Two days from work, and then another two long days to look “forward” to. I don’t know how to explain this, but since I have started this full time job in the hospital I easily get depressed. The thought of spending most of my time this year working in the hospital is so depressing. Don’t get me wrong, this is not my first job. It is my first FULL TIME job, though.
It does make a difference, doesn’t it? Moving from doing full time education to full time in work. I am suffering, emotionally. The hospital work I am doing at the minute is actually better for me than the one I did before. It can also help me improve career-wise. The thing is, it’s taking too much time away from myself. It feels like I am a robot that needs to be in the hospital for certain hours, in turn I cannot tend to my personal wants, leisure and cannot focus on detoxifying myself. It feels as if every shift I do drags me even deeper into this black hole, like I’m being emptied … emotionally.
Money. Yes, the root of all evil. I’m working for money. Money that pass my hands so quickly like flowing water. I cannot even get a grip on it. Pain. Yes, emotionally I am torn, tired, empty.
I need to push myself out of this hole I put myself in. How?
1. I gather all my highlighters and pen and try to be artistic. WHICH NEVER EVER TURNS OUT RIGHT.
2. I browse through pictures of people I find good-looking. STALKER MODE.
3. Eat Nutella.
4. Clean my nails, paint them, clean them again.
5. Call random people and really be awkward because they are watching a movie.
There is no easy way in this life. We have to wait for things to happen as there is no magic, no short cuts. Sometimes there is, but it’s a matter of luck, really. Who will get the upper hand in society, who will get things their way? No one really knows.
I have learned this the hard way. I left my job in Wales to live and hopefully work here in Reading. I do have a pending job, although it has been a whole month since I left my previous work and I haven’t started yet. I miss working, not because I actually miss the job, but because I know in the end I will get my reward - money! I will have money to spend and do not need to ask my mom for our budget for the week. I feel so ashamed of myself because I think I have made a very bad decision. Should have I stayed in Wales then I could have had another pile of money for this month.
On the other hand, moving to Reading has helped me give time to myself, I have been to the gym doing Yoga, Pilates and Zumba, exploring a new city, even joining a Fiction Book Club! I also now want to join a Karate club, a thought that never came into my head before. So yeah, maybe there are things that need to be lost for us to put our gaze into more important stuff: ourselves.
I love to travel. I actually have a list of where I want to go and who I want to go there with. I don’t know what it is about travelling that I like. Is it the fact that I get to see new places, escape from where I usually are? Is it trying to get to know people and making friends all over the world? Is it about learning new culture?
Perhaps all of them? Maybe it’s human instinct to travel and see the world, giving you a different perspective than what you already have, about life, love or anything, really. I guess it’s more of being an open-minded person, knowing that there is actually a lot more in life than what you know and learning to appreciate the differences and uniqueness of each and every place you go to. It’s about self-cultivation, trying to enhance one’s personality by engaging into a place well out of your comfort zone, to discover a different facade of you.
And then when it’s time to go back to your reality, there will be a new you. I bet you’ll be proud.
This is why I don’t believe in perfect relationships anymore. I have learnt that if everything is going according to your wishes, it will be boring and basically one did not live life. Being imperfect in some (or all) things actually made me a person who appreciates the ironies of life and all the challenges I face are merely experiences that make me rather better.
And I am thankful that I have found this right person for me. He may not be the dark, tall and prince charming type of guy I have always dreamt of, but he made me realise that my dreams are so childish compared to what I have now. He makes me laugh and be content. I didn’t just settle. I chose him and I know it is the best decision I have ever made. My right man. My reality.